devotion. As Lent continued on my mind turned to the work of Easter, to the work of camp and the preparation for the upcoming vacation.
Furthermore, I gave myself a break from Lent as part of my common baseball mini-break. I let myself fall off of the holy wagon and it has been oh so hard to get back on it. Part of my reason for letting myself fall (which is more like leaping off the wagon) is that I am trying to embrace imperfections (ala Brene Brown) and what not. An imperfect Lenten devotion seemed like a good idea. Plus I was working on a Holy Week sermon, so the few days off were not devoid of Lenten meaning, but the pins fell to the side and so did the 'no espresso'. I was in Seattle after all!
However, it has been that much harder to bet back on the devotional wagon. Even though the break was short, I have to keep reminding myself that I have a Lenten devotional 'wagon' to be on. The craving for the soothing beauty of a cortado came upon me as I whirled my way from task to task of Triduum prep. Just like the first week of Lent, I almost forgot that my abstaining was part of my Lenten commitment. The pins continue, but the constant reflections have diminished with my energy level. Which sank as I tried to meet the demands of life and work while my health issue diminished both my calories and their benefits.
It seems like this should all bring me into a deeper Holy Week, yet, I don't even know. Maybe that whole idea is more self shaming perfectionism. It feels like it is not deep as other times, but maybe this is like when you suddenly discover you are in deeper water than you expected. As a few of you may know, wrestling with a sense of shallowness has been my story this Lent. Feeling drained and duller, which seems like thin still water. Yet still sometimes the harder we look for profundity, the thinner the experience. And vise versa.
This new space raises for me the ways in which I am still living there and here. I love the creative liturgical opportunity I have here, yet I find myself surprised st every turn. Oh right, I say. After so many years in a more regimented and elaborate setting I have forgotten there are a multitude of ways to offer the motions of Holy Week. My dull brain falls into auto pilot and then trips on the silliness little surprises.
Today's pin of the day is wait. Perhaps it is in itself its own little surprise trip. All this tired angst about not feeling as deep or as smart as I used to and I get the reminder to wait. The reminder to be still. We cannot rush these things. They many never be as we expect. Be still, and wait upon the Lord.